I use to believe that I would always have a dark space in my soul.
I use to think the fighter in me was a bad part and needed to go away.
Triathon. And Ironman specifically. And that damn non-existence mass start very especially. And dogs. And my D.
Have taught me that EVERYTHING can heal. I’ve learned that I can heal from a near drowning as a child, spritzed up w a crappy childhood. D and these dogs and a couple other GEMS of people are helping me to heal some other parts. Freaking badassery is happening. Does it feel good. Nope. But I’m happy and doing it.
My dog Julie Rogue Boxer is leading the way. D helps her a lot too. She loves the heck out of him. She was a disaster tho. When I first got her. Anger. Abused. Hurt. Broken jaw. She would attack everything. And she continues her journey w letting go of her severe dog aggression. She follows my lead anymore. Her and I are bonded. So if I keep my shit together. She does too. And visa Versa.
Yesterday I felt driven, required, inspired to drive a pitfall that had been abandoned to a foster family many hours away. I have always had this special place in my heart for things that needed rescued.
A bit of back story, I signed up for a 70.3 in Des Moines, Iowa to inspire, force, drive myself to finish up some work that I have been doing in the area of inner child healing, letting go, truly moving on. We can talk about that later.
I let my mind explore why I was driven to help these dogs and I wanted to share with others the work that I viewed as difficult and life changing. Using the service of helping dogs, which seems to be easier work than driving to a therapist weakly, to heal the heart. After all, isn’t that what God tells us to do and perhaps why. Heal our souls through the work of helping other. Being humble and practicing humanity.
Though a lot of thought that was mostly given to me, as during the trip I had decided to be super receptive to whatever thoughts and feelings were coming, and sharing back to the universe ... it was a very raw real and from the heart process. Which I feel gifted me with the next awesome step in my evolution to healing my soul and becoming the next best version of myself.
Yes. I had forgiven my parents for all the things. However, it was very clear that I had not really dealt with my abandonment issues. Which at the VERY present time are really causing some other issues in areas of my life that were causing my grief and suffering.
I did some following of my heart. It makes me smile to see how the hours and days have progress. Who I have reached out too. What they have said. And how through all of this, I found my next work.
I like work. I like to know that if I see a problem, I have some means of working on it. It makes me feel incredibly powerless, stressed and all sorts of anxious feelings to know that something is wrong, really wrong, and I can’t get a handle on it. I’m thankful that God told me. Amazing.
Discovering that I really need to work on my fear of abandonment, which is causing some real in your face anxiety, is so empowering that I’m pretty darn pumped. To know the issue means that I can find a solution. The first link that I read was such an eye opening that it has instantly changed how I feel about myself and all the things I’m working on at the moment. I feel in control again, empowered and that I can find a solution. I do not feel lost anymore.