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That swim SUCKED but Coach told me to mark it as a win

OMG!  Thats all I have to say about this swim.  Have you ever had a workout and you …. manage to get home and think to yourself …. “ok, that was it.  i quit!”  Well …. the only reason I didn’t quit today was because my Coach told me no “what ifs”.

It’s kind of funny really.  Tori and I were talking on the phone about our medical conditions and how we were just F this and F that because really … we are dealing with some things that just blow.  Being fatty fatty when you are working your tail off and the meds don’t give a shit.

CHUNKY MONKEY

We are talking about … sweating 5 pounds to look good at the dance.  We are FREAKING talking about have NO NO NO NO clothes to wear.  Seriously people.  It’s one thing to not have NO CLOTHES and go to Walmart to get somewhat cute sweat shorts that leave pink fuzzies all over everywhere to fill in the gap.  IT IS COMPLETELY ANOTHER THING to think about … and almost need to order new training gear.  WE ARE TALKING … MOOOOOLA.  And defeat.  I came from pretty heavy anyway.  I had to work my tail off to get to 150ish.  Quite a feet for me.  Didn’t come easy.  I wasn’t one that could just eat and eat and not gain.  I look at potatoes and gravy and my arse gets bigger. #nmf  (and I love me some steak, mash potatoes and gravy.”

OK!  So that is the blog about.  Coach told me that sucky ass swim was a win.  I believe him.  I trust him.  I do.  He’s my guy.  You want someone to help you with training, get a good guy (or gal).  One thats real and knows when to give you a hug and not tough love.  And knows when to tell you to get your shit together.  Good coach.  Anyway.  This story is kind of funny in parts.  And I just want to share it with you, to inspire you to never quit, but maybe reserve the right to hit the pause button.  It’s hard to share … as it’s all my glorious warts out in the open and as a coach … it’s hard to not relate being a good coach with … preparing well.  But I’m so far from perfect.  hahahaha.  Namaste that beetches!  So …. the story goes …

I have a heart condition right now that is pretty in your face, I’m on two heart meds that really aren’t working that well.  Tho the cardio dude says go train, blah blah blah.  He doesn’t get it.  He kind of doesn’t really listen.  Its pretty terrible really when those of us that are really trying to get treatment of those that DON’T GIVE A SHIT.  I’m not smoking.  I’m not eating my weight in bon bons every day. I never sit on my couch … makes me mad. (another story). So this heart condition.  Meds.  Things act up interestingly enough when my body change orientation.  Standing to laying down. The other night in bed readying my heart (while mediated^2) was trucking away at 125.  Nice. So I pop another pill and hope it helps.

(I try to find balance but if anyone knows me … I get pretty mad when I can’t workout at all.  After all, it’s suppose to be good for you.  I’ve really toned it down, do start stuff.  Rest, blah blah blah)

So …. the team meets up to get in an OWS. Hahaha. I LIVE IN KS.  It’s FORKING windy here.  And today … dude the weather people tripped everyone out …. HUGE STORMS BLAH BLAH BLAH …. drama drama drama.  The radar was so clear.  What the hell.  It was super windy tho.  SOOOOO that means.  Rough water. Ok … so what.  I can do rough water.  I’m good with it.  RIGHT!

A bit of background.  I did almost drown as a kid.  My triathlon world started with wanting to learn to swim.  I use to be a complete DISASTER.  But I did the work.  My coach NEVER left my side.  NEVER.  Meaning he never gave up on me.  And didn’t … kind of be condesending … like some do/did/blah. #nmf

SO GUESS WHAT I DID!

More background.  hahaha. This is the funny part.  I DNF’ed my first race at NOLA 70.3 last year.  Mostly due to the stupid crazy swim conditions and I AM NOT A QUITTER!  Seriously tho, those at NOLA ’16 know what I’m talking about.  A recent version of the Titantic.  Due to panic … I gave myself pulmonary edema.  (Panic from childhood PTSD and the conditions and jumping into hell.) So … that shook me up, but ROCKED OUT mass start IMMW months later.  I know how to do chop.  And my coach knows I do.

However, enter in new heart meds.  Blah blah blah.  F’in blah.

OH!  I forgot to tell you that I decided to wear my NOLA swim cap.  Flipping the bird that that episode of life.  I was pretty confident that I could do it.  I had warmed up.  Felt good.  e.t.c.

LOL.  This is kind of how I roll …. roll my eyes at karma.  She’s pretty good that slapping me down quick and fast.  You’d like for a smartie that I’d learn to be less …. whatever.

So … start off. Calm. I get in the water first.  Because I’m ready. No hesitation.  Waiting for the rest of the team to get in the water cause my feet are getting cold.  And we go.  BOOM!  I’m hoping my 920 doesn’t jack up the yards again and I have to call Garmin again.  Easy peasy.  Calm … and it sneaks up on me.  Just the … I can’t get in enough O^2.  I rest a bit.  Coach is telling me to breathe.  What he’s really saying is CALM THE F DOWN KISSINGER. 😉 I was pretty calm.  Next time I rested I told him … I just can’t seem to use my legs.  So in chop and my new fast mode of swimming, no legs sucks.  So … and it continues to sneak up on me.  I rest.  Talk myself into slowing down the breathe.  And continue.  I’m still pretty sure at this point that things will calm down.  (yeah, I did run and warm up before I put on my NOLA cap). And then around the bouy I start to cough and spit up crap.  GREAT.  I know what this is.  Fluid in the lungs.  The pulomary edema.  Coughing. Spit up. More coughing. Rest on the kayak.  More coughing.  I know I’m done at this point.  But I’m stubborn. I needed this swim.

I’ve been having this mental dilemma of quitting tri for awhile.  Short fast stuff is out.  Long stuff apparently.  Fix the heart.  Maybe revisit later.  Cardio dude says I don’t have to.  blah blah blah.  Give the meds time to work.  Blah blah blah.

So.  I hit the PAUSE BUTTON.  I decide to swim to shore, let the kayak support help all the other swimmers.  I walk around the water in the stickers …. OH MAN THAT MADE ME MAD … holding my darn wetsuit off my chest because I literally was feeling like shit was going to go south.  Coach is yelling at me to breathe.  a.k.a CALM THE F DOWN KISSINGER.  And I’m mad.  Trying to calm down.  Being mad makes it worse.  Crying.

HOT F’IN MESS.  #nmf

So I get to the boat ramp.  Chat with Nemo, my friend and team mate.  And coughing my head off think … caffeine.  I need coffee now.  FYI. Thats the quickest way to fix pulmonary edema, due to this swim bs.  To stop it.   So I decide I’m going to starbucks.

But I don’t.  I wait.  And cry.  Think about leaving.  Stay and cry.  Because it’s my team and … I stay for the whole practice.  It’s what you do. You’re injured.  You show up and help. You do something. You don’t quit.

So coach tells me …. chills.  It’s the meds.  You can do this. You know you can.  Stop thinking of the what if’s.  We will figure stuff out.  It’s a win. You showed up.  You got in the water.  You tried.

It’s a WIN today.

YOU ARE AWESOME!
bonnie-sig

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Today winning meant being slow AF

There as been a lot going on in my life lately that while I have been managing fairly well, it still takes a toll. You've got your parenting responsibilities. For those of you who are parents, you know that sometimes raises little people can be down right taxing. This weekend and the last couple of months with my teenagers have been a challenge. And you parents know that when you have created, carried, sweated, bled, kissed and cried over those little people, this stress is a big one. Momma bear stuff.

 

Then you've got your "put food on the table" stressors. Running your own business and figuring out how to do that well, with more ease and what not isn't any small feat. Being your own boss is awesome and not awesome at the same time. It's real life stuff. Responsibility. Adulting. And the coaching world isn't an easy one. Especially if you try to do your best all the time and try to figure out how to lead your people to doing their best as well. It's real, raw and honest (and tough) at times. Especially considering that we attract people like ourselves. Hahahaha. OMG! ;) just joking. Not joking. Haha. I'm one of my biggest fans yet some days I'm like ... "BK seriously, get your ducks in a row, or at least in the same room."

 

Then spice all that up with some other personal stuff of my own choosing that I've decided to work on and you've got a big tall order. I've had my share of tough times in life and some things to work on to get to the next best version of myself. We all do. When we start looking at those things straight on, life gets sweeter but sometimes the cleaning up and healing of things is a little challenging at times.

 

I was listening to podcast today about the 10 pillars of health. This smartie doctor guy was talking about his system that works to address all the "pillars" of health. Very interesting stuff and you know, not really a new idea. The yogi's and eastern medicine have been working on this stuff for a long time. Here in the western world were we have our boot straps and type a/work harder mentality ... the idea that in order to optimize health by working on all aspects of life, well thats not common sense to us.

 

I learned this lesson pretty well last year training for IMTX after three failed heart surgeries and deciding to have a different go of it. Not using western meds to control A-fib and working on these "pillars". It worked really well and I was super pumped. Then came some personal stuff, again, of my own choosing ... and I got in over my head for a bit. Or maybe not, but more of my energy went into the personal growth pillar for a sec while I tried to really work on some things and heal up some old wounds.

 

BOOM! And so in the sunshine I'm working with a newer version of myself and have to acknowledge that in my balancing of my life, one of my "pillars" is a little lacking. And that would be the physical one. Where I'm not as fast on the bike or run as what I use to be or what I want.

I mean seriously. Three time ironman finisher. Countless HIMs under my belt and here I am. Fluffy, slow, strong and still very awesome. I would love love love to be 15 pounds lighter. Be stronger. Look outwardly how I feel. But right now, with all that has been going on, I am in a state of physique that, while not optimal, is doing ok.

 

I had set out to do a 3 hour bike ride. Followed by a bit of running. A little bit of that motivation to do all that volume so far out from my next HIM was driven by weight lose. Maybe to beat the fat down and force it to go away. How many of us think like that? More is better right?

 

GRACE AND GRIT

 

Well, I got to thinking. What would be the most lovely thing that you could do for yourself right now. After all, the training plan says an hour bike. So two is more than enough. How about BK ... you slow down and just enjoy the sun and acknowledge that fact that you can be out here. That you GET to do this. That you are healthy enough to even do an hour. Seriously. Love all the fat cells for a second and just LOVE every thing part of you.

 

GRACE: So I slowed down. Talked to all the cows. Really enjoyed the sunshine and the awesome cross wind that was blowing at a nice 20 mph. I focused on my daily reading of HOPE. And positive action, in the face of everything going on. Yep, I was a full mph slower than last weekends two hour ride which i was crazy happy with. This ride felt equally as good tho.

 

GRIT: I was kind to myself. I was strong enough today to give myself grace and the grit to KNOW that today the mph pace didn't dictate if the workout was a success. Grit to give other areas equal merit. After all, I was well within the plan. So the box is a definite green. And thats good enough. More than good enough.

 

It is a win.

One comment

  1. Although I did not or do not have what you have Bonnie, I did have a stint of pericarditis that lasted 1.5 years and can relate to how you are feeling. Embrace the fact that you are moving and try to accept the athlete you are now. I know that is hard, but it can be done. Focus on what you can do, rather than what you can not do.

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