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That swim SUCKED but Coach told me to mark it as a win

OMG!  Thats all I have to say about this swim.  Have you ever had a workout and you …. manage to get home and think to yourself …. “ok, that was it.  i quit!”  Well …. the only reason I didn’t quit today was because my Coach told me no “what ifs”.

It’s kind of funny really.  Tori and I were talking on the phone about our medical conditions and how we were just F this and F that because really … we are dealing with some things that just blow.  Being fatty fatty when you are working your tail off and the meds don’t give a shit.

CHUNKY MONKEY

We are talking about … sweating 5 pounds to look good at the dance.  We are FREAKING talking about have NO NO NO NO clothes to wear.  Seriously people.  It’s one thing to not have NO CLOTHES and go to Walmart to get somewhat cute sweat shorts that leave pink fuzzies all over everywhere to fill in the gap.  IT IS COMPLETELY ANOTHER THING to think about … and almost need to order new training gear.  WE ARE TALKING … MOOOOOLA.  And defeat.  I came from pretty heavy anyway.  I had to work my tail off to get to 150ish.  Quite a feet for me.  Didn’t come easy.  I wasn’t one that could just eat and eat and not gain.  I look at potatoes and gravy and my arse gets bigger. #nmf  (and I love me some steak, mash potatoes and gravy.”

OK!  So that is the blog about.  Coach told me that sucky ass swim was a win.  I believe him.  I trust him.  I do.  He’s my guy.  You want someone to help you with training, get a good guy (or gal).  One thats real and knows when to give you a hug and not tough love.  And knows when to tell you to get your shit together.  Good coach.  Anyway.  This story is kind of funny in parts.  And I just want to share it with you, to inspire you to never quit, but maybe reserve the right to hit the pause button.  It’s hard to share … as it’s all my glorious warts out in the open and as a coach … it’s hard to not relate being a good coach with … preparing well.  But I’m so far from perfect.  hahahaha.  Namaste that beetches!  So …. the story goes …

I have a heart condition right now that is pretty in your face, I’m on two heart meds that really aren’t working that well.  Tho the cardio dude says go train, blah blah blah.  He doesn’t get it.  He kind of doesn’t really listen.  Its pretty terrible really when those of us that are really trying to get treatment of those that DON’T GIVE A SHIT.  I’m not smoking.  I’m not eating my weight in bon bons every day. I never sit on my couch … makes me mad. (another story). So this heart condition.  Meds.  Things act up interestingly enough when my body change orientation.  Standing to laying down. The other night in bed readying my heart (while mediated^2) was trucking away at 125.  Nice. So I pop another pill and hope it helps.

(I try to find balance but if anyone knows me … I get pretty mad when I can’t workout at all.  After all, it’s suppose to be good for you.  I’ve really toned it down, do start stuff.  Rest, blah blah blah)

So …. the team meets up to get in an OWS. Hahaha. I LIVE IN KS.  It’s FORKING windy here.  And today … dude the weather people tripped everyone out …. HUGE STORMS BLAH BLAH BLAH …. drama drama drama.  The radar was so clear.  What the hell.  It was super windy tho.  SOOOOO that means.  Rough water. Ok … so what.  I can do rough water.  I’m good with it.  RIGHT!

A bit of background.  I did almost drown as a kid.  My triathlon world started with wanting to learn to swim.  I use to be a complete DISASTER.  But I did the work.  My coach NEVER left my side.  NEVER.  Meaning he never gave up on me.  And didn’t … kind of be condesending … like some do/did/blah. #nmf

SO GUESS WHAT I DID!

More background.  hahaha. This is the funny part.  I DNF’ed my first race at NOLA 70.3 last year.  Mostly due to the stupid crazy swim conditions and I AM NOT A QUITTER!  Seriously tho, those at NOLA ’16 know what I’m talking about.  A recent version of the Titantic.  Due to panic … I gave myself pulmonary edema.  (Panic from childhood PTSD and the conditions and jumping into hell.) So … that shook me up, but ROCKED OUT mass start IMMW months later.  I know how to do chop.  And my coach knows I do.

However, enter in new heart meds.  Blah blah blah.  F’in blah.

OH!  I forgot to tell you that I decided to wear my NOLA swim cap.  Flipping the bird that that episode of life.  I was pretty confident that I could do it.  I had warmed up.  Felt good.  e.t.c.

LOL.  This is kind of how I roll …. roll my eyes at karma.  She’s pretty good that slapping me down quick and fast.  You’d like for a smartie that I’d learn to be less …. whatever.

So … start off. Calm. I get in the water first.  Because I’m ready. No hesitation.  Waiting for the rest of the team to get in the water cause my feet are getting cold.  And we go.  BOOM!  I’m hoping my 920 doesn’t jack up the yards again and I have to call Garmin again.  Easy peasy.  Calm … and it sneaks up on me.  Just the … I can’t get in enough O^2.  I rest a bit.  Coach is telling me to breathe.  What he’s really saying is CALM THE F DOWN KISSINGER. 😉 I was pretty calm.  Next time I rested I told him … I just can’t seem to use my legs.  So in chop and my new fast mode of swimming, no legs sucks.  So … and it continues to sneak up on me.  I rest.  Talk myself into slowing down the breathe.  And continue.  I’m still pretty sure at this point that things will calm down.  (yeah, I did run and warm up before I put on my NOLA cap). And then around the bouy I start to cough and spit up crap.  GREAT.  I know what this is.  Fluid in the lungs.  The pulomary edema.  Coughing. Spit up. More coughing. Rest on the kayak.  More coughing.  I know I’m done at this point.  But I’m stubborn. I needed this swim.

I’ve been having this mental dilemma of quitting tri for awhile.  Short fast stuff is out.  Long stuff apparently.  Fix the heart.  Maybe revisit later.  Cardio dude says I don’t have to.  blah blah blah.  Give the meds time to work.  Blah blah blah.

So.  I hit the PAUSE BUTTON.  I decide to swim to shore, let the kayak support help all the other swimmers.  I walk around the water in the stickers …. OH MAN THAT MADE ME MAD … holding my darn wetsuit off my chest because I literally was feeling like shit was going to go south.  Coach is yelling at me to breathe.  a.k.a CALM THE F DOWN KISSINGER.  And I’m mad.  Trying to calm down.  Being mad makes it worse.  Crying.

HOT F’IN MESS.  #nmf

So I get to the boat ramp.  Chat with Nemo, my friend and team mate.  And coughing my head off think … caffeine.  I need coffee now.  FYI. Thats the quickest way to fix pulmonary edema, due to this swim bs.  To stop it.   So I decide I’m going to starbucks.

But I don’t.  I wait.  And cry.  Think about leaving.  Stay and cry.  Because it’s my team and … I stay for the whole practice.  It’s what you do. You’re injured.  You show up and help. You do something. You don’t quit.

So coach tells me …. chills.  It’s the meds.  You can do this. You know you can.  Stop thinking of the what if’s.  We will figure stuff out.  It’s a win. You showed up.  You got in the water.  You tried.

It’s a WIN today.

YOU ARE AWESOME!
bonnie-sig

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Be your own boss, like a boss, or you will be bossed around

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In that place of guidance and leadership. I believe that the person is suppose to be teaching you a lesson. That the catch 22 is that maybe it’s the terrible “boss” that is suppose to be teaching you the lesson. Funny how karma makes things so zesty and fun to figure out. POINT IS ... Are you being a good leader to yourself? Are you inspiring yourself to work differently to improve and reach towards your next goals. Is your job “boss” inspiring the same? Do your principles align with theirs? So many hard questions. Let’s pull this point into a convo that you have a lot of control on. Influence. YOU BEING YOUR OWN EXCELLENT BOSS. Even if you have to go to a J O B, you can still be your own boss. Leader. Inspire-er of all this epic and awesome. 1. KNOW WHO YOU ARE What you stand for. This is the make it or break it. You know (mindful) of who you really are, or hold the one with the boundaries that honor that. The ship sinks. This is why Franklin Covey in the planners starts out with your principles. (Truth needs to be present here. The deep down, who you are. Not ... “good mom” or whatever. YOU. Deep down. The stuff on your tombstone. for me .... I am a person that says the truth. “Satya”. So if I have to tell an untruth or be in the gray area, this is a big fat rub for me personally, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. 2. BUILD TRUST So considering that you know who you are and what you stand for. Build trust with yourself by honoring your ethics and beliefs. AND.... When you say you are going to do something. Do it. For your own trust with yourself. As well as having others trust you. for me .... I like to help others, a lot. I probably tend to sway that side more (maybe to fill my “acceptable account”) than compared to my “truth account”. So I will allow others to cross a boundary or two because I am “helping” them, at the cost of my own ethics, and not speaking my truth. Honoring who I am. As a result, I lose trust in myself, in a deep down sense. So my action step, in knowing who I AM, appropriately communicating boundaries with myself (or others) and HOLD THE LINE. In as pleasant a way as possible. Not being afraid to step on toes, don’t shy away in an attempt to fill the “acceptance account”. Go to flipping sleep at 10 or 10:30, BK! Do it. Stop jacking around with that bed time/boundary. 3. PRAISE PRAISE PRAISE It is so hard, but we really need to get into a better mental and emotional habit of defaulting to praise vs criticism or even constructive feedback. And praise ourselves. Praise others. FIRST. Focus on what is working. Not what needs fixed. You might be wrong about the issue, or just completely full of feces. Positivity. Focus on what’s working and is always the way to go. for me .... Reward myself. Quiet time in the bath. Coffee outside watching the birds. Little sticky notes that say “good job BK, you rocked that!”  (and not internalize other's judgments on my actions) 4. INSPIRE I have a favor saying. #thelittlesarewatcing A parenting truth. Your children do what you do. Not what you say. And if you constantly say something differently then they do .... OMG. The problems that ensue. Zero trust. They might actively do the opposite of what you want to express the face that you might be full of feces. INSPIRE = fill someone with the urge or ability to do or feel something, especially to do something creative. If #1, #2 and #3 are done well, this one naturally happens. Especially if you are thinking about how that person (or you ) think, learn, express themselves and feel .... you will be a rockstar in connecting and just rocking your jam. Inspiring others is a fully thing. It comes for you doing YOU EXCELLENTLY, giving all your heart and soul. Those that need to see that and experience it will be placed right in front of you. BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE (even if it is totally opposite what’s manifesting at that point in time) for me.... I need to fill my life with people that are inspiring me. Simple as that. Read inspiring things. Watch inspiring things. Fill my soul with what’s inspiration. 5. CONSTRUCTIVE OBSERVATIONS Communicating feedback is so important. Your relationship with yourself, with others and etc is a two way street. That is a truth. It completely maps up with that smartie Isaac Newton and his equal and opposite reaction law. You do something. There will be an affect. Feedback in and of itself isn’t good or bad. Positive or negative. Getting into the habit of giving positive feedback can be hard as we are a society that LOVES to take all the credit, not give credit to others and also to be obsessed with the negative. What’s not working.  Or how I'm so awesome and did this all myself, as help is construed as negative.  "I couldn't do it myself." This positive feedback is the foundation of everything. Good parenting. Good dog training. Good coaching. Good relationship. Good self management. On the opposite side of the coin, expressing the other feedback is equally important. (Truth, sometimes the lessons come the hard and uncomfortable way. Or most of the time). We just usually suck at it or shy away from conflict because others suck at it ... or we are delusional and think we are always right. We aren’t all that good at looking it the mirror ... in an objective and constructive (loving) way. Constructive observation instead of criticism. If you do this and the panties get in a wad, you know that the issue isn’t (usually) with what you said or what not, but more in the person in front of you. If that happens to be you ... then you need to have a reality check with your competing behaviors. And as my coach says to me all the time, “get your mind right Kissinger”. for me.... I need to journal daily to communicate with myself. See what I’ve been doing well. What I can work on. Where my bullshit is at (Roger that!) Use the journalling platform to be the best boss of mine that I can be. CAN I GET A HELL YEAH!?!? ;) Final thoughts. STOP FREAKING BULLYING YOURSELF. Be a good boss. A leader to yourself. Not a jerk face. Do not be afraid to fire people. ;). Maybe they need a different job. Do that and the others around you will probably naturally follow suit. Or things will get cleaned up. Either way. Winner winner chicken dinner.

One comment

  1. Although I did not or do not have what you have Bonnie, I did have a stint of pericarditis that lasted 1.5 years and can relate to how you are feeling. Embrace the fact that you are moving and try to accept the athlete you are now. I know that is hard, but it can be done. Focus on what you can do, rather than what you can not do.

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