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Soft Whispers – Voices at the Roundtable

This morning …. I didn’t want to get up.  But the loudest voice in my head said ….

GET UP!  IT IS TIME TO HUNT

A bit about me.  I’m your classic HOT MESS train wreck.  I stub my toes daily.  Whack my  new apple watch on a wall corner, repeatedly (daily).  Break stuff because I don’t read instructions and just roll through life a complete hot mess.   Smart but can’t spell, caring but a little loud and straight forward.  I’m fine with who I am.  I say the F word.  A lot.  And I’m ok with that too.  I do try and … not offend anyone, but crap … sometimes it just rolls out my mouth like water in a mountain stream.

I live by hope and faith. I LIVE OUT LOUD, DREAM BIG and always try and help those in front of me.  I have acknowledged and come to know the voices in my head.  I lovingly refer to them as the “voices at the roundtable”.  I try and get to know each one, give them respect and acceptance.  They all seem to have something valuable to say at various times.  I usually end up getting myself into a place in life that I become exceedingly unhappy if I try and ignore or quiet one of the voices.  ( …. no, I don’t have a personality disorder … )  ( … or maybe I do and I’m in denial.)

TODAY I experience …. ZEN.  HARMONY.  BLISS.

A huge moment of clarity.  God talking to me.

The Universe lovingly holding me in my space.

A miracle.

2016 and some was stupid hard.  I can not believe the amount of stupid mistakes that I made.  The places that I allowed myself to go.  I will love and cherish the day when I look back and say to myself …. “I wouldn’t change a thing.”  I am not at that place.  But I will get there.  Where … I can look back and say … ok, I learned that and that.  And by learning I mean … I saw the lesson, I worked on it and I made a permanent change so I didn’t repeat it.  I Evolved.

At the beginning of 2017 I decided to make some serious changes.  Put my money where my mouth was and do the things that I coach people to do all the time.  Mostly to honor my values and dreams.  Change the things that are holding me back.  Be strong.  So …. I moved to a different city. Back to where my friends and tribe are.  I got a divorce to clean up some personal stuff.  And I decided that I wasn’t going to play small anymore and try to stick with the things that I value instead of doing shit half-ass because …. of blah blah blah.  In all this work … I needed to do some clean up.  Pay some prices and what not.  Well … the other day I went in to see  my cardio doc.  And yep, what I had suspected, was true.  I had broken my heart.  Yes granted, it seems that I have a genetic disposition for getting these heart issues that are kind of a big ass deal.  Atrial rhythm issues suck, are in your face and F me, are kind of scary.  And lets just say it OUT LOUD.  It’s your heart. The soul of you.  All the time I was living 1/2 ass and what not, I knew in the back of my head I was paying a big price, but was too chicken at the time to pony up and do what was needed.  Pause on the “don’t be too hard on yourself” thoughts.  You don’t know all the details, and sometimes we really do need to take responsibility for our part in stuff.  Learn the lesson.  Make the changes.  Move forward.  Evolve.

Holy crap, BK, heavy stuff …. where’s the BLISS moment ….

So today … instead of letting myself sleep in and rest, waiting for today’s call from the heart doc telling me when he’s going to fix my heart next week, I GET UP.  Because that STRONG voice, the WARRIOR at the roundtable, the DARK WOLF (who I love and adore), tells me to …

GET UP!

IT IS TIME TO HUNT

And the white wolf, (the magic maker and create-er) whispers along side … it’s time to evolve BK.  Do it different.

So I get up.  And I’m glad that I do.  I get into the pool.  I start swimming. I have this love/hate relationship with circle swimming.  Usually I’m the slower one, and always holding people up.  Well … seems that I’m getting faster in the pool and that isn’t the case anymore.  Which is awesome.  It was hard tho … the new heart meds make you a different athlete, so … it was like swimming in a stranger’s body.  Sort of.  But … I adjust and do the best that I can.  And log in the back of my head that maybe I need to do better warm ups before I get into the H2O.

Everyone leaves.  I’m still swimming.   The busy-body voice that is yacking about getting stuff done says to hurry up and get done.  But … something caught my awareness.  I’m not quite sure what it was.  I’ve NEVER experienced it in the pool last night.  Now thinking about it … maybe it was the by-product of practicing the Ganesh mantra in my quiet-time bath last night.  Or the meditations that other luvies are sending my way.  It was so profound tho ….

A bit of back story.  I almost drowned when I was little.  Ha.  It’s funny that I’ve always said that I was raised by wolves, meaning that in a negative context but …. I very closely identify with wolves as … who I am.  Ha. So I was raised by wolves.   And coincidently, I have been drawing them a lot lately. Uh.  Anyway, my story with swimming has been a complete train wreck sprinkled with many panic attacks, kayak rescues and such.  And I’ll throw in that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the ocean and for most of my life I have been sooo afraid of the water.  Such a big fat lie I’ve been carrying around forever.  I WILL BE SURFING in 2020 after IM New Zealand with my peeps!

So for me to be COMPLETELY CHILL in the water having this …. PROFOUND and GRACE FILLED moment is truly a miracle.  During a time that I’m getting ready to roll into heart surgery.  Letting someone put me under, control the fact that I’m alive or not and selectively burning my heart … to fix it.

THIS moment was filled with …. thoughts of complete safety.  And lets just say this out loud.  I have not felt safe. Completely safe.  EVER. Maybe a brief snack here and there.  Today tho …. thats the only thought that was really in my head.

YOU ARE COMPLETELY SAFE

While swimming.  hahahaha.  So … I swam and swam.  And swam some more.  To soak it in.  I literally felt like I was bathing (and more) in … maybe that is what a little person feels like in there mommas womb. It was that intense yet gentle and peaceful at the same time.

PEACE.  SAFETY

It was so cool.  And most definitely what I needed for my soul today.  I know that it’s the Universe.  Has my back, as always.  Hope and Faith.  My PEOPLE praying and meditating for me.  My coach being there for me.  Who’s sort of like my big brother.  My decision to be faithful and hopeful.  And who knows what else the Universe mixed in there for me.  I have faith that it’s good and true tho.  The feedback was most honored, tells me the decisions made yesterday are on a true(er) path.  Thought I’d share.  I hope that if you need peace and safety, you find how to open yourself up and allow yourself to experience it.  ~namaste

#nmf

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Abandonment and a Journey Up the Mountain

Yesterday I felt driven, required, inspired to drive a pitfall that had been abandoned to a foster family many hours away.  I have always had this special place in my heart for things that needed rescued.  

A bit of back story, I signed up for a 70.3 in Des Moines, Iowa to inspire, force, drive myself to finish up some work that I have been  doing in the area of inner child healing, letting go, truly moving on.  We can talk about that later.

I let my mind explore why I was driven to help these dogs and I wanted to share with others the work that I viewed as difficult and life changing.  Using the service of helping dogs, which seems to be easier work than driving to a therapist weakly, to heal the heart.  After all, isn’t that what God tells us to do and perhaps why. Heal our souls through the work of helping other.  Being humble and practicing humanity.

Though a lot of thought that was mostly given to me, as during the trip I had decided to be super receptive to whatever thoughts and feelings were coming, and sharing back to the universe ... it was a very raw real and from the heart process.  Which I feel gifted me with the next awesome step in my evolution to healing my soul and becoming the next best version of myself.  

Yes.  I had forgiven my parents for all the things.  However, it was very clear that I had not really dealt with my abandonment issues.  Which at the VERY present time are really causing some other issues in areas of my life that were causing my grief and suffering. 

I did some following of my heart.  It makes me smile to see how the hours and days have progress.  Who I have reached out too. What they have said. And how through all of this, I found my next work.  

I like work.  I like to know that if I see a problem, I have some means of working on it.  It makes me feel incredibly powerless, stressed and all sorts of anxious feelings to know that something is wrong, really wrong, and I can’t get a handle on it.  I’m thankful that God told me.  Amazing.

Discovering that I really need to work on my fear of abandonment, which is causing some real in your face anxiety, is so empowering that I’m pretty darn pumped.  To know the issue means that I can find a solution.  The first link that I read was such an eye opening that it has instantly changed how I feel about myself and all the things I’m working on at the moment.  I feel in control again, empowered and that I can find a solution.  I do not feel lost anymore.    

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/abandonment-issues

Then I continued with searching and found some articles and resources and ended up finding a program, a series of books with some online resources to start with.  I feel great. Hopeful.

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