Home / Personal Growth / Soft Whispers – Voices at the Roundtable

Soft Whispers – Voices at the Roundtable

This morning …. I didn’t want to get up.  But the loudest voice in my head said ….

GET UP!  IT IS TIME TO HUNT

A bit about me.  I’m your classic HOT MESS train wreck.  I stub my toes daily.  Whack my  new apple watch on a wall corner, repeatedly (daily).  Break stuff because I don’t read instructions and just roll through life a complete hot mess.   Smart but can’t spell, caring but a little loud and straight forward.  I’m fine with who I am.  I say the F word.  A lot.  And I’m ok with that too.  I do try and … not offend anyone, but crap … sometimes it just rolls out my mouth like water in a mountain stream.

I live by hope and faith. I LIVE OUT LOUD, DREAM BIG and always try and help those in front of me.  I have acknowledged and come to know the voices in my head.  I lovingly refer to them as the “voices at the roundtable”.  I try and get to know each one, give them respect and acceptance.  They all seem to have something valuable to say at various times.  I usually end up getting myself into a place in life that I become exceedingly unhappy if I try and ignore or quiet one of the voices.  ( …. no, I don’t have a personality disorder … )  ( … or maybe I do and I’m in denial.)

TODAY I experience …. ZEN.  HARMONY.  BLISS.

A huge moment of clarity.  God talking to me.

The Universe lovingly holding me in my space.

A miracle.

2016 and some was stupid hard.  I can not believe the amount of stupid mistakes that I made.  The places that I allowed myself to go.  I will love and cherish the day when I look back and say to myself …. “I wouldn’t change a thing.”  I am not at that place.  But I will get there.  Where … I can look back and say … ok, I learned that and that.  And by learning I mean … I saw the lesson, I worked on it and I made a permanent change so I didn’t repeat it.  I Evolved.

At the beginning of 2017 I decided to make some serious changes.  Put my money where my mouth was and do the things that I coach people to do all the time.  Mostly to honor my values and dreams.  Change the things that are holding me back.  Be strong.  So …. I moved to a different city. Back to where my friends and tribe are.  I got a divorce to clean up some personal stuff.  And I decided that I wasn’t going to play small anymore and try to stick with the things that I value instead of doing shit half-ass because …. of blah blah blah.  In all this work … I needed to do some clean up.  Pay some prices and what not.  Well … the other day I went in to see  my cardio doc.  And yep, what I had suspected, was true.  I had broken my heart.  Yes granted, it seems that I have a genetic disposition for getting these heart issues that are kind of a big ass deal.  Atrial rhythm issues suck, are in your face and F me, are kind of scary.  And lets just say it OUT LOUD.  It’s your heart. The soul of you.  All the time I was living 1/2 ass and what not, I knew in the back of my head I was paying a big price, but was too chicken at the time to pony up and do what was needed.  Pause on the “don’t be too hard on yourself” thoughts.  You don’t know all the details, and sometimes we really do need to take responsibility for our part in stuff.  Learn the lesson.  Make the changes.  Move forward.  Evolve.

Holy crap, BK, heavy stuff …. where’s the BLISS moment ….

So today … instead of letting myself sleep in and rest, waiting for today’s call from the heart doc telling me when he’s going to fix my heart next week, I GET UP.  Because that STRONG voice, the WARRIOR at the roundtable, the DARK WOLF (who I love and adore), tells me to …

GET UP!

IT IS TIME TO HUNT

And the white wolf, (the magic maker and create-er) whispers along side … it’s time to evolve BK.  Do it different.

So I get up.  And I’m glad that I do.  I get into the pool.  I start swimming. I have this love/hate relationship with circle swimming.  Usually I’m the slower one, and always holding people up.  Well … seems that I’m getting faster in the pool and that isn’t the case anymore.  Which is awesome.  It was hard tho … the new heart meds make you a different athlete, so … it was like swimming in a stranger’s body.  Sort of.  But … I adjust and do the best that I can.  And log in the back of my head that maybe I need to do better warm ups before I get into the H2O.

Everyone leaves.  I’m still swimming.   The busy-body voice that is yacking about getting stuff done says to hurry up and get done.  But … something caught my awareness.  I’m not quite sure what it was.  I’ve NEVER experienced it in the pool last night.  Now thinking about it … maybe it was the by-product of practicing the Ganesh mantra in my quiet-time bath last night.  Or the meditations that other luvies are sending my way.  It was so profound tho ….

A bit of back story.  I almost drowned when I was little.  Ha.  It’s funny that I’ve always said that I was raised by wolves, meaning that in a negative context but …. I very closely identify with wolves as … who I am.  Ha. So I was raised by wolves.   And coincidently, I have been drawing them a lot lately. Uh.  Anyway, my story with swimming has been a complete train wreck sprinkled with many panic attacks, kayak rescues and such.  And I’ll throw in that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the ocean and for most of my life I have been sooo afraid of the water.  Such a big fat lie I’ve been carrying around forever.  I WILL BE SURFING in 2020 after IM New Zealand with my peeps!

So for me to be COMPLETELY CHILL in the water having this …. PROFOUND and GRACE FILLED moment is truly a miracle.  During a time that I’m getting ready to roll into heart surgery.  Letting someone put me under, control the fact that I’m alive or not and selectively burning my heart … to fix it.

THIS moment was filled with …. thoughts of complete safety.  And lets just say this out loud.  I have not felt safe. Completely safe.  EVER. Maybe a brief snack here and there.  Today tho …. thats the only thought that was really in my head.

YOU ARE COMPLETELY SAFE

While swimming.  hahahaha.  So … I swam and swam.  And swam some more.  To soak it in.  I literally felt like I was bathing (and more) in … maybe that is what a little person feels like in there mommas womb. It was that intense yet gentle and peaceful at the same time.

PEACE.  SAFETY

It was so cool.  And most definitely what I needed for my soul today.  I know that it’s the Universe.  Has my back, as always.  Hope and Faith.  My PEOPLE praying and meditating for me.  My coach being there for me.  Who’s sort of like my big brother.  My decision to be faithful and hopeful.  And who knows what else the Universe mixed in there for me.  I have faith that it’s good and true tho.  The feedback was most honored, tells me the decisions made yesterday are on a true(er) path.  Thought I’d share.  I hope that if you need peace and safety, you find how to open yourself up and allow yourself to experience it.  ~namaste

#nmf

YOU ARE AWESOME!
bonnie-sig

Get weekly email nuggets of awesomeness! You'll LOVE the info!

  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Check Also

Growth in the Quiet Times

Here is fall!  Soon winter will be upon us.  Such a wonderful time of year.  Time of reflection on your improvements, wins, celebrations and other most excellent stuff that happened.  AND interestingly enough ... more time of change.  Under the surface. The spring and summer are times of growth.  Green leaves, flowers and new branches.  With FALL and winter ... we have a time that we move slower, conserve energy and change things up.  It does not mean that we do "less important work".  We think about investing, working on foundation pieces, changing things that we like would like to see different.  We do this so when ACTION time comes again in the spring and fall, things are a bit different than previous. Growth. Trees go through a similar process.  They lose their leaves in the fall and winter.  Doesn't make them less of a tree.  Or not as strong of a tree.  Sometimes branches break off.  Sometimes the weight of the snow helps to facilitate change.  A needed process as sometimes the branches that needed to go, maybe they are a bit weak.   In this way ... the tree isn't utilizing vital energy keeping alive a piece that isn't really helping anymore.  Helping the "big picture".  Pruning. Shedding.  It can be a painful process ... but much needed. And another thought to throw out. This branch. The one that is "weak" ... "broken" ... "no longer needed" ... could be VITAL the the survival of other pieces of the puzzle.  This branch can fall and provide a home for creatures living on the forest floor.  So the "weak" branch really isn't of less importance ... it's use has shifted to somewhere else.  The tree isn't served by struggling to keep the branch alive.  Yet sometimes the tree can't get rid of the branch itself ... Such as life ... sometimes the challenges that we have "inspire" changes (or really stronger encourage or MAKE HAPPEN).  The weak branch, once a strong branch, now having served it purpose or withstood some challenge, moves on to a different purpose.   Our challenges are like the snow, helping us to "let go" of the branch.  Hopefully in an objective, namaste kind of way. Not that the branch no longer serves us, though this is true, hopefully in a shedding process were we knowledge that what we are needing to get rid of will be used elsewhere. Energy is neither created or destroyed.  Just changes.  Thanks Newton. Thanks Thermodynamics. The process can be lonely.  The process can seem tough and overwhelming.  Seriously, it's cold and quiet.  We don't hear a lot of the birds.  We miss the green color and the fresh smell.  However this is what encourages the roots to reach deeper.  To make the tree stronger.  To shed the old, no longer needed to make room for new and different.   Getting through these times of change and growth can be rough.  New.  It's kind of easy to fall back to old thought patterns, behaviors.  It's normal to feel like you are going crazy a wee tiny bit.  It's normal to feel uncomfortable.  The thing to focus on is your faith, trust and keeping your eye on the prize.  To keep moving forward, one step at a time ... because we all know that it gets harder (hardest) at the very end.  Like with ironman, those last couple miles are brutal, but the break through at the end is completely worth it. So, are we talking about the ...

  • ATHLETE:  Do you need to drop weight. Get rid of an injury.  Get your mind right.
  • MOM:  Adjust your relationship with your kids, be less friend and mom and more boss.  Or be less busy so you can listen more and role model more of what you want to see.
  • WIFE:  let go of past stuff to provide space for new chances, new "stuff"
  • HUMAN:  let go of past stuff to make room for new.  Let go of "not good enough" so you can dream bigger.  Be less focused on yourself and "SEE" other people, be of more service, smile more, hold more doors open
  • the list goes on and on ...
 

Keep your eyes up

Hearts open  

Trust  

Have Faith

Keep moving forward

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

63 − = 61