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Personal growth can be a rough go

I want to have an awakening like they do in the movies.

You know, where the protagonist experiences their quantum shift with elegance and grace, leading us, the audience, into a wonderful montage (complete with awesome music) of all the ways their life will now improve.

They get an amazing new job after sending out a few résumés; a random run to the coffeehouse yields them a phone number from their dream partner; they ditch their sh*tty apartment and relocate to a house that they can now somehow afford very easily; they make up with their asshole father and go fishing. All in the span of mere weeks.

And, after the montage is over, we witness the protagonist looking back at the crossroads that brought them to this new, wonderful place in their life, all the while contemplatively smiling and drinking a margarita.

Reality check, please.

Real awakenings are not like this. Far from it. There is no montage, there is no music, there is no shortcut to the next scene in which we will somehow now be miraculously happy, at peace, or in love. We can’t fake it. We can’t skip the middle. We can’t yell, “Cut!”

With real-world awakenings, there is a lot of crying. There is a ton of confusion and doubt and questions and shock. There is deep-seated socialization and conditioning that gets unearthed, leaving us wondering what the hell we believe/want/know/feel now. There is the messy middle and feeling terrified in the middle of the night and that body issue that for sure got cleared up in therapy but is now rearing its ugly head…again. There is the wondering if anyone else ever feels like this, and, if they do, why aren’t they talking about it?

Awakenings feel like our heart is breaking and being pieced back together again at the same time. It feels like all the parts of ourselves are at war and they are inviting us to come along for the ride. It feels like we are caught between this person we say we want to be and the person we are right now (who is a complete mess!). It can feel wretched one minute and like we are on cloud nine the next. Sometimes, it just feels sloooooooow.

And then, in the middle of the awakening, something happens. A flash of a fresh perspective that shifts the entire world on its axis, a rush of love to the heart that makes us grab our chest and catch our breath, someone telling us that we matter, an old wound that finally, finally heals. Something releases. Something surrenders. There is a softening where there was once a hard place. There are moments that feel like we are being hit by a ton of bricks and knocked over by a feather at the same time.

Awakenings tear us open. They expose all the yucky stuff, the shameful stuff, the secrets, the dreams that were never given a voice, the relationships that imprison us, the words left unsaid. Awakenings are a mirror we can’t turn away from, even in our ugliest, most tattered gown. They force us to get real, to get honest, to get transparent. They ask us to up level.

Awakenings don’t just come for anyone. They seek out those who are strong enough to take a hit. Awakenings don’t f*ck around, because they have a mission: to help us arrive. To arrive at our deepest place of love and compassion. To arrive at our endless inner wisdom. To arrive at the tender crossroads of accepting ourselves and loving others. To arrive at the place in which we are in full trust of who and what we are. To arrive at our shattered places and pour some light over them.

YOU ARE AWESOME!
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Time to cut the crap and prioritize my goals and dreams

This summer sure has been a lot. We had a busy race schedule. D had a lot of military commitments to accomplish. The boys decided to shift from homeschooling to brick and mortar school. Some personal issues that are lingering. The experience of the Madison 70.3 drownings. My own race at Ohio 70.3. The experience of the bikers death on course during Ohio. I decided to take on healing abuse and rape from my past head on. These last couple of months had been a lot. I think I've adulted fairly well. Though admitted I did pack on 15 pounds and drank a bit too much there for a bit. Here I am. Coming out of much of that stuff. Stronger. More wise. I totally want a big fat gold star for holding my own and not stabbing anyone. ⭐️⭐️⭐️ ❤️❤️❤️I'm thankful that I signed up for Ironman Texas prior to all of that. ❤️❤️❤️ I like to use a big race to rationalize buying a new 💥Plum Papers journal💥 and working on something big. Big like Ironman. But this time around, big like being a better human being and with less of an injured soul. I've come to learn that only YOU can accomplish that. Once you are ready. We bounce from thing to thing, trying to find a comfortable place to learn our lessons. When in reality ... we just need to stop. Do it. Work. Know it will be hard. And have faith on the other side things will be ok. So the $$ I dropped down for IMTX and that darn $50 journal has been the key factor in my continuing to move forward in the path I'm on now. I usually bale and go find a different road. Missing the lesson. Coach John and D were talking the other day. And I was looking at Johns countdown numbers that he updates. DAILY. I started thinking ... wow, that's dedication. And a great tool to help him keep the eye on the prize. #gysd THEN ... I was like ... HOLY SHIT BK ... You have no idea how many days to IMTX. And I started doing math in my head. And I started with a quick summary of my paces at the moment and what I want at Tx. And I walked out of his pain cave with a new resolve. While adulting is critical. Handling your shit is important. So is prioritizing your goals and dreams. SQUIRREL MOMENT .... Someone said to me a while back ... not your monkeys not your circus, when I was looking for support for my things going on. And that really pissed me off (and I stopped going that way for support) because I didn't want to abandon my boys to handle life on their own. Or take the avenue of counseling and what not when I know there are things I can do and offer. And I didn't want to end certain relationships because of things and the non clarity of what's going on. 🐒🐿🐵🐿🥜 So I need to find the balance of taking care of some of this big stuff on my plate but I also need to make sure that I am prioritizing my goals and dreams. 💥 13:50 Ironman Texas 💥 Happiest kids on the block 💥 Brilliant marriage 💥 Guide Brave Soul and the Wolfpack to the next level So ... in conclusion ... let's wrap this up!! ✅ I need to stop sleeping to much being in a mini potty party. And I need to eat with excellence so I can help the body recover from the copious amounts of stress that has resulted in the need for more sleep. ✅ I need to hold better boundaries with those around me. Hold them to doing what they can for themselves more. ✅ Do that first thing better so my anxiety and general sense of upheaval lessens. So I can communicate more effectively. ✅ GYSD ✅ HONOR my beings need for self care and prioritize that as well. https://youtu.be/3bGAZbb1BfQ

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