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I can’t find any of my ducks

I have a lot on my plate. Who doesn’t? At the beginning of this year I threw down some big personally goals, most of those dealing with more emotional intelligence sprinkled with a ton of soul healing sprinkles.

So I’m trying to get my ducks in a row enough to minimize the cray cray that my people around need need to deal with and helpfully for me to be able to have enough clear discernment to do this reasonable well. Not too much to ask right!?!?!

Well … I have some pretty decent sized soft spots that I’m wanting/asking/need to work on. Blah blah blah. You know the places in the soul that go with childhood trauma and drama, relationships that turned out to be like crashing airplanes and … blah blah blah. So I’m focusing on rounding up and herding these ducks.

I’m a good enough duck.

I’m a safe duck.

I can do EPCI SHIT duck.

Not all the ducks in my space are MY DUCKS and I don’t need to let them jerk my ducks around.

This duck herding business tho, it’s been pretty intense because what I’m finding out is that … I’m needing to learn how to deal with other peoples ducks. Like some people just let their darn ducks get into my pasture and mislead, confused and another wise brain wash my my ducks. And off they go. Or … I have these ducks in my pasture that aren’t my ducks and I adopt them. Like I have time and energy for that.

It just gets so confusing. Historically I have talking/vented/blah blah blah with my person on this stuff. And while that is good. I would like to develop a better habit of dealing with the duck cluster thing. Who’s ducks are whose. And which duck do I need to herd first.

Meditation. Yep. I haven’t been doing enough and I need to but honestly … I need something a little more concrete and tangible right now.

So Becky and I were chatting, I need to write the ducks down. And this is the ONE time that auto correct gets it right. From fuck to duck. Prefect! Hahahahaha.

🤭🤗🤣🤣🤣👊🏻

So in my journal where I keep all things that I want to manifest the heck out of, aka the super women journal that enables me to do EPIC SHIT … I’m going to work on a section labeled “Ducks”. I am already in love with the idea, as me and my 5 other personalities can write stuff down, work through it and everyone can contribute words to help work through things. AND I can practice …

FAITH

PATIENCE

WISDOM

… In dealing with the duck that has gotten itself too far away from the herd. Or whatever a group of ducks is. I really love this idea as I struggle with not dealing with something, that makes me feel bad, not let a problem go. Like I’m not standing up for my feelings, values and what not. But also I like this idea because I LOVE LOVE LOVE when i manage to let magic come into the picture and take care of STUFF for me. BOOM. And this magic journal that I have. This is the place for it to happen.

🌸Personal growth. Being brave. Honest. Persistency moving forward. Adapting. 💫

🔥🔥🔥Adjusting Fire🔥🔥🔥

❤️Hopefully with less road rash for myself and those special people around me that matter most.❤️

YOU ARE AWESOME!
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Personal growth can be a rough go

I want to have an awakening like they do in the movies.

You know, where the protagonist experiences their quantum shift with elegance and grace, leading us, the audience, into a wonderful montage (complete with awesome music) of all the ways their life will now improve.

They get an amazing new job after sending out a few résumés; a random run to the coffeehouse yields them a phone number from their dream partner; they ditch their sh*tty apartment and relocate to a house that they can now somehow afford very easily; they make up with their asshole father and go fishing. All in the span of mere weeks.

And, after the montage is over, we witness the protagonist looking back at the crossroads that brought them to this new, wonderful place in their life, all the while contemplatively smiling and drinking a margarita.

Reality check, please.

Real awakenings are not like this. Far from it. There is no montage, there is no music, there is no shortcut to the next scene in which we will somehow now be miraculously happy, at peace, or in love. We can’t fake it. We can’t skip the middle. We can’t yell, “Cut!”

With real-world awakenings, there is a lot of crying. There is a ton of confusion and doubt and questions and shock. There is deep-seated socialization and conditioning that gets unearthed, leaving us wondering what the hell we believe/want/know/feel now. There is the messy middle and feeling terrified in the middle of the night and that body issue that for sure got cleared up in therapy but is now rearing its ugly head…again. There is the wondering if anyone else ever feels like this, and, if they do, why aren’t they talking about it?

Awakenings feel like our heart is breaking and being pieced back together again at the same time. It feels like all the parts of ourselves are at war and they are inviting us to come along for the ride. It feels like we are caught between this person we say we want to be and the person we are right now (who is a complete mess!). It can feel wretched one minute and like we are on cloud nine the next. Sometimes, it just feels sloooooooow.

And then, in the middle of the awakening, something happens. A flash of a fresh perspective that shifts the entire world on its axis, a rush of love to the heart that makes us grab our chest and catch our breath, someone telling us that we matter, an old wound that finally, finally heals. Something releases. Something surrenders. There is a softening where there was once a hard place. There are moments that feel like we are being hit by a ton of bricks and knocked over by a feather at the same time.

Awakenings tear us open. They expose all the yucky stuff, the shameful stuff, the secrets, the dreams that were never given a voice, the relationships that imprison us, the words left unsaid. Awakenings are a mirror we can’t turn away from, even in our ugliest, most tattered gown. They force us to get real, to get honest, to get transparent. They ask us to up level.

Awakenings don’t just come for anyone. They seek out those who are strong enough to take a hit. Awakenings don’t f*ck around, because they have a mission: to help us arrive. To arrive at our deepest place of love and compassion. To arrive at our endless inner wisdom. To arrive at the tender crossroads of accepting ourselves and loving others. To arrive at the place in which we are in full trust of who and what we are. To arrive at our shattered places and pour some light over them.

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