As I sit typing to you at Greenwich and 111th street on a box, returning to a place of sorrow filled discovery, I want to share my heart. To give the feelings (energy) back to the universe. To fully feel both sides of this day. Thanksgiving. The beautiful scenes and moments as well as the equally heart grasping sad moments. Yin and yang. Light and dark. Positive and negative. (Hopefully to see and experience them more objectively, as this seems to be karma’s lesson for me this year). Being brave enough to really feel the feelings, communicate them … to release them like butterflies back to the beautiful earth.
I have so many thoughts that I want to express. Feelings to let flow from my heart, through my fingers to the universe (aka blog, book, your heart) with the earnest intention of letting go of what I don’t need anymore, healing soft parts and maybe (hopefully) inspiring others to do the same. I look at the world and my heart is so saddened with the disregard, blindness, hardness, anger, hate. Love will heal all. This I have always believed. This I have faith in. Unwavering faith. And with this next challenge I have committed to (epic freaking comeback of 2018, being the best human being I can and hopefully rock out another ironman) I am working to bring more of all my being to that faith. To live more in that. The truth that all that is needed is LOVE. Less in pain, hurt and anger.
Quick shift in gears. (T1)
I want to blog about my experience of the medical mission trip to Ecuador and the following adventures. The experience was so intense and I came back a different person. So different that I kind of don’t know myself anymore, yet at the same time I feel as if I’m more “me” than I have ever been. I’m pretty excited to see how I evolve … more on that adventure.
A good friend asked me during the mission trip what I was learning (like big life lesson). I thought for a couple days and landed on being more …. open and honest, clear eyes and full heart, to the equal and opposite side of things. The JOY and the PAIN, as if they weren’t “good” or “bad” but more just opposite ends of this beautiful rainbow that I’m experiencing. As I ask for MORE EPIC adventures/results/goals/victories, I need to toughen up a bit or something to experience the other side of it without … my habitual “OMG” reactions. So much more on this … but maybe you get the idea.
LIGHT: This morning running with my friends at the Say Grace 5K. I love racing with my friends. As I’m a HUGE SOCIAL BUTTERFLY! For a person that use to (still has) person space issues (thanks Coach for helping me work on this by sitting on me with your sweaty body 😉 ) I love love love hugging my peeps and planting kisses on their cheeks. More hugs and kisses I say! 🙂
DARK: Experiencing the complete suckage of the state of my running. These heart rhythm struggles have really brought me to my knees. Who likes to get past (in the dust really) by all their friends. And past by the lady that says … “oh, you’ll be waiting on me because I’m super slow”. Humbling. (I will definitely call bs with any dogging of the back of the packers. Or bullying on fb in this realm. Nope.)
Honestly this new lesson for me, experiencing both ends equally is making me feel like I’m bipolar. For reals. The joy of running with friends, racing, getting cool bling, finish line crosses and then hiding behind a tree for a bit because the race was crap-freaking-fantastic and makes you doubt with every foot fall any success at ironman. Hiding behind the tear to let the tears fall. #cleareyesfullheart
The ponying up. Not texting your coach to tell you to ignore the thoughts of doubt because …. it’s so early and what are you going to do quit? Maybe it’s progress to not text him, yet to hear his voice in your heart … “get your mind right Kissinger”. Get on the pony and go biking.
LIGHT: Going on a beautiful (seriously beautiful) bike ride. With good friends. The weather is gorgeous and we just ignore the stupid slow legs and enjoy yourself. Take a couple good selfies. ;). After all, isn’t THIS what Thanksgiving is about … being thankful for the tiny moments that you have. That you have breath to breathe. Sun to see by. Wind to try the sweat and tears.
DARK: Experiencing the beautiful land with so much awareness that you spy and full experience the state of the human condition. A bag full of dead animals. Are they kittens, puppies or dead ducks. Does it matter? What do you do with that feeling … that some human beings are terrible. That as a species, we are destroying this very beautiful place. Maybe that’s why we focus on Black Friday sales, buying stuff we don’t need or can’t afford, to stick our head in the sand about how horrible of a species we actually are. So vivid in my mind and heart is swimming with sea turtles and experience life in a POOR country yet feeling so much more … at peace there as they CLEARLY volume life more than we do. My heart aches for the life that is now in this box. Discarded like trash. No value.
Maybe there is the soft spot. Having been always left in one manner or another.
So … typing this on a box filled with useless loss, a bag full of dead ducks, I feel this experience fully. And am extremely grateful. That I am becoming wiser. Less harden. Stronger and more at ease. I will figure out how to gracefully and with love return these creatures to the earth and with them, let go a bit of my abandoned “soft spot”. Very grateful for a texted question from mostly a complete stranger …. “what got you off course.” The honest answer … “being hurt and losing a bit of faith in the universe.”
I am returning to that place of peace. FAITH.
A place of security, however not devoid of pain and joy. As both are needed to change the soul.