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Digging Deep for the win

I have always struggled to sleep. Legit reasons from not being safe as a child. Chaos. Trauma.

I spent years self medicating in so many ways. Over exercising. Drinking. Reading. Meditating.

My latest long term habit has been to listen to various books on my phone. I’ve listened to ALL of the Outlander series books … maybe 30 times each. If anyone knows what I’m talking about … these books are HUGE!

Pretty sure my heart struggles now are a direct brush stroke of a lifetime of not feeling safe.

Truth though is for many of those years I WAS safe. Tho I didn’t *feel* that. Truth is that the inner ways of our being, when we don’t feel safe super deep down, it’s real hard for the logical brain to be the dominant voice. Funny (not funny) how alcohol can numb that deep inner wound.

It wasn’t until last year, then I decided to do some deep self development/person growth (really look into the damn mirror and cut the shit loose) that I got down to that wound. Hard as hell. Not pretty and still cleaning myself up.

I’m 4 days clean from the book listening. Last night my mind was busy but I did some praying. I have a couple of binkie still. CBD oil to help sleep. My person cuddles me to sleep (first time I’ve let anyone (human) in my space at night so not sure this is a binkie or not). It’s such a gift, the cuddles, his heart beat slows mine down. Like a soft warm blankie w a strong beat that mine lines up with.

Anyway. We have to look in the mirror. Be real w ourselves and do some hard work sometimes. To make real changes. Book listening isn’t bad. So … I could have chosen to not do this work. I do know that the things in my soul need nurturing as it colors another areas of my life. I’d like a bit different.

Reflections as I stretch to swim.

#ishinenotburn #beautifulrevolution #riseandshine

#iamapheonix #wolfpackstrong

As a side note. The swim to follow … fastest 500 to date. Nice solid faster bilateral 500. Winner winner chicken dinner.

YOU ARE AWESOME!
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Time to cut the crap and prioritize my goals and dreams

This summer sure has been a lot. We had a busy race schedule. D had a lot of military commitments to accomplish. The boys decided to shift from homeschooling to brick and mortar school. Some personal issues that are lingering. The experience of the Madison 70.3 drownings. My own race at Ohio 70.3. The experience of the bikers death on course during Ohio. I decided to take on healing abuse and rape from my past head on. These last couple of months had been a lot. I think I've adulted fairly well. Though admitted I did pack on 15 pounds and drank a bit too much there for a bit. Here I am. Coming out of much of that stuff. Stronger. More wise. I totally want a big fat gold star for holding my own and not stabbing anyone. ⭐️⭐️⭐️ ❤️❤️❤️I'm thankful that I signed up for Ironman Texas prior to all of that. ❤️❤️❤️ I like to use a big race to rationalize buying a new 💥Plum Papers journal💥 and working on something big. Big like Ironman. But this time around, big like being a better human being and with less of an injured soul. I've come to learn that only YOU can accomplish that. Once you are ready. We bounce from thing to thing, trying to find a comfortable place to learn our lessons. When in reality ... we just need to stop. Do it. Work. Know it will be hard. And have faith on the other side things will be ok. So the $$ I dropped down for IMTX and that darn $50 journal has been the key factor in my continuing to move forward in the path I'm on now. I usually bale and go find a different road. Missing the lesson. Coach John and D were talking the other day. And I was looking at Johns countdown numbers that he updates. DAILY. I started thinking ... wow, that's dedication. And a great tool to help him keep the eye on the prize. #gysd THEN ... I was like ... HOLY SHIT BK ... You have no idea how many days to IMTX. And I started doing math in my head. And I started with a quick summary of my paces at the moment and what I want at Tx. And I walked out of his pain cave with a new resolve. While adulting is critical. Handling your shit is important. So is prioritizing your goals and dreams. SQUIRREL MOMENT .... Someone said to me a while back ... not your monkeys not your circus, when I was looking for support for my things going on. And that really pissed me off (and I stopped going that way for support) because I didn't want to abandon my boys to handle life on their own. Or take the avenue of counseling and what not when I know there are things I can do and offer. And I didn't want to end certain relationships because of things and the non clarity of what's going on. 🐒🐿🐵🐿🥜 So I need to find the balance of taking care of some of this big stuff on my plate but I also need to make sure that I am prioritizing my goals and dreams. 💥 13:50 Ironman Texas 💥 Happiest kids on the block 💥 Brilliant marriage 💥 Guide Brave Soul and the Wolfpack to the next level So ... in conclusion ... let's wrap this up!! ✅ I need to stop sleeping to much being in a mini potty party. And I need to eat with excellence so I can help the body recover from the copious amounts of stress that has resulted in the need for more sleep. ✅ I need to hold better boundaries with those around me. Hold them to doing what they can for themselves more. ✅ Do that first thing better so my anxiety and general sense of upheaval lessens. So I can communicate more effectively. ✅ GYSD ✅ HONOR my beings need for self care and prioritize that as well. https://youtu.be/3bGAZbb1BfQ

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