I have always struggled to sleep. Legit reasons from not being safe as a child. Chaos. Trauma.
I spent years self medicating in so many ways. Over exercising. Drinking. Reading. Meditating.
My latest long term habit has been to listen to various books on my phone. I’ve listened to ALL of the Outlander series books … maybe 30 times each. If anyone knows what I’m talking about … these books are HUGE!
Pretty sure my heart struggles now are a direct brush stroke of a lifetime of not feeling safe.
Truth though is for many of those years I WAS safe. Tho I didn’t *feel* that. Truth is that the inner ways of our being, when we don’t feel safe super deep down, it’s real hard for the logical brain to be the dominant voice. Funny (not funny) how alcohol can numb that deep inner wound.
It wasn’t until last year, then I decided to do some deep self development/person growth (really look into the damn mirror and cut the shit loose) that I got down to that wound. Hard as hell. Not pretty and still cleaning myself up.
I’m 4 days clean from the book listening. Last night my mind was busy but I did some praying. I have a couple of binkie still. CBD oil to help sleep. My person cuddles me to sleep (first time I’ve let anyone (human) in my space at night so not sure this is a binkie or not). It’s such a gift, the cuddles, his heart beat slows mine down. Like a soft warm blankie w a strong beat that mine lines up with.
Anyway. We have to look in the mirror. Be real w ourselves and do some hard work sometimes. To make real changes. Book listening isn’t bad. So … I could have chosen to not do this work. I do know that the things in my soul need nurturing as it colors another areas of my life. I’d like a bit different.
Reflections as I stretch to swim.
#ishinenotburn #beautifulrevolution #riseandshine
As a side note. The swim to follow … fastest 500 to date. Nice solid faster bilateral 500. Winner winner chicken dinner.