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Personal Growth

Digging Deep for the win

I have always struggled to sleep. Legit reasons from not being safe as a child. Chaos. Trauma. I spent years self medicating in so many ways. Over exercising. Drinking. Reading. Meditating. My latest long term habit has been to listen to various books on my phone. I’ve listened to ALL of the Outlander series books ... maybe 30 times each. If anyone knows what I’m talking about ... these books are HUGE! Pretty sure my heart struggles now are a direct brush stroke of a lifetime of not feeling safe. Truth though is for many of those years I WAS safe. Tho I didn’t *feel* that. Truth is that the inner ways of our being, when we don’t feel safe super deep down, it’s real hard for the logical brain to be the dominant voice. Funny (not funny) how alcohol can numb that deep inner wound. It wasn’t until last year, then I decided to do some deep self development/person growth (really look into the damn mirror and cut the shit loose) that I got down to that wound. Hard as hell. Not pretty and still cleaning myself up. I’m 4 days clean from the book listening. Last night my mind was busy but I did some praying. I have a couple of binkie still. CBD oil to help sleep. My person cuddles me to sleep (first time I’ve let anyone (human) in my space at night so not sure this is a binkie or not). It’s such a gift, the cuddles, his heart beat slows mine down. Like a soft warm blankie w a strong beat that mine lines up with. Anyway. We have to look in the mirror. Be real w ourselves and do some hard work sometimes. To make real changes. Book listening isn’t bad. So ... I could have chosen to not do this work. I do know that the things in my soul need nurturing as it colors another areas of my life. I’d like a bit different. Reflections as I stretch to swim. #ishinenotburn #beautifulrevolution #riseandshine #iamapheonix #wolfpackstrong As a side note. The swim to follow ... fastest 500 to date. Nice solid faster bilateral 500. Winner winner chicken dinner.

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Personal growth can be a rough go

I want to have an awakening like they do in the movies.

You know, where the protagonist experiences their quantum shift with elegance and grace, leading us, the audience, into a wonderful montage (complete with awesome music) of all the ways their life will now improve.

They get an amazing new job after sending out a few résumés; a random run to the coffeehouse yields them a phone number from their dream partner; they ditch their sh*tty apartment and relocate to a house that they can now somehow afford very easily; they make up with their asshole father and go fishing. All in the span of mere weeks.

And, after the montage is over, we witness the protagonist looking back at the crossroads that brought them to this new, wonderful place in their life, all the while contemplatively smiling and drinking a margarita.

Reality check, please.

Real awakenings are not like this. Far from it. There is no montage, there is no music, there is no shortcut to the next scene in which we will somehow now be miraculously happy, at peace, or in love. We can’t fake it. We can’t skip the middle. We can’t yell, “Cut!”

With real-world awakenings, there is a lot of crying. There is a ton of confusion and doubt and questions and shock. There is deep-seated socialization and conditioning that gets unearthed, leaving us wondering what the hell we believe/want/know/feel now. There is the messy middle and feeling terrified in the middle of the night and that body issue that for sure got cleared up in therapy but is now rearing its ugly head…again. There is the wondering if anyone else ever feels like this, and, if they do, why aren’t they talking about it?

Awakenings feel like our heart is breaking and being pieced back together again at the same time. It feels like all the parts of ourselves are at war and they are inviting us to come along for the ride. It feels like we are caught between this person we say we want to be and the person we are right now (who is a complete mess!). It can feel wretched one minute and like we are on cloud nine the next. Sometimes, it just feels sloooooooow.

And then, in the middle of the awakening, something happens. A flash of a fresh perspective that shifts the entire world on its axis, a rush of love to the heart that makes us grab our chest and catch our breath, someone telling us that we matter, an old wound that finally, finally heals. Something releases. Something surrenders. There is a softening where there was once a hard place. There are moments that feel like we are being hit by a ton of bricks and knocked over by a feather at the same time.

Awakenings tear us open. They expose all the yucky stuff, the shameful stuff, the secrets, the dreams that were never given a voice, the relationships that imprison us, the words left unsaid. Awakenings are a mirror we can’t turn away from, even in our ugliest, most tattered gown. They force us to get real, to get honest, to get transparent. They ask us to up level.

Awakenings don’t just come for anyone. They seek out those who are strong enough to take a hit. Awakenings don’t f*ck around, because they have a mission: to help us arrive. To arrive at our deepest place of love and compassion. To arrive at our endless inner wisdom. To arrive at the tender crossroads of accepting ourselves and loving others. To arrive at the place in which we are in full trust of who and what we are. To arrive at our shattered places and pour some light over them.

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Abandonment and a Journey Up the Mountain

Yesterday I felt driven, required, inspired to drive a pitfall that had been abandoned to a foster family many hours away.  I have always had this special place in my heart for things that needed rescued.  

A bit of back story, I signed up for a 70.3 in Des Moines, Iowa to inspire, force, drive myself to finish up some work that I have been  doing in the area of inner child healing, letting go, truly moving on.  We can talk about that later.

I let my mind explore why I was driven to help these dogs and I wanted to share with others the work that I viewed as difficult and life changing.  Using the service of helping dogs, which seems to be easier work than driving to a therapist weakly, to heal the heart.  After all, isn’t that what God tells us to do and perhaps why. Heal our souls through the work of helping other.  Being humble and practicing humanity.

Though a lot of thought that was mostly given to me, as during the trip I had decided to be super receptive to whatever thoughts and feelings were coming, and sharing back to the universe ... it was a very raw real and from the heart process.  Which I feel gifted me with the next awesome step in my evolution to healing my soul and becoming the next best version of myself.  

Yes.  I had forgiven my parents for all the things.  However, it was very clear that I had not really dealt with my abandonment issues.  Which at the VERY present time are really causing some other issues in areas of my life that were causing my grief and suffering. 

I did some following of my heart.  It makes me smile to see how the hours and days have progress.  Who I have reached out too. What they have said. And how through all of this, I found my next work.  

I like work.  I like to know that if I see a problem, I have some means of working on it.  It makes me feel incredibly powerless, stressed and all sorts of anxious feelings to know that something is wrong, really wrong, and I can’t get a handle on it.  I’m thankful that God told me.  Amazing.

Discovering that I really need to work on my fear of abandonment, which is causing some real in your face anxiety, is so empowering that I’m pretty darn pumped.  To know the issue means that I can find a solution.  The first link that I read was such an eye opening that it has instantly changed how I feel about myself and all the things I’m working on at the moment.  I feel in control again, empowered and that I can find a solution.  I do not feel lost anymore.    

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/abandonment-issues

Then I continued with searching and found some articles and resources and ended up finding a program, a series of books with some online resources to start with.  I feel great. Hopeful.

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Mind Body Transformation Program

❓❓❓Are you batting yourself and making the same freaking resolutions every year? Fighting to get to race weight but nothing seems to work? Struggling to stay on track even with big goals ahead of you?

If so then it is time to clear the path and find the way to your badass self! 💥🌟❤️

Join us for either a 3 or 6 month program designed to set you up for success in 2020.

NO waiting for January, we are starting NOW.
SIGN UP TO GET THE DEETS
https://mailchi.mp/611d3964967c/mbt2019

Lace up those boots and get ready to rock because in the MBT Program you will:
✅ Reset your mindset to align with your goals, get outta your own way!
✅ Develop your mental grit
✅Kick your bad habits to the curb
✅Drop the freaking weight
✅Get strong AF in your mind and body
✅All so that you will be ready to hit the ground running in 2020.

What you get (3 month/6 month):
-Guidance and support from two kick butt wellness warriors (Valued at $600/$1200)
-Access to a private closed Facebook group for support and -accountability (and fun!)
-Access to guest speakers where we will discuss the real real - forgiveness, mental health, why women are freaking superheroes, disordered eating and so much more. (Priceless!)
-A full scripted workbook to guide you through your mental reset (valued at $75)
-Body work (yoga /strength) and nutritional support (recipes, food guides and healthy eating resources) to help support your Transformation (valued at $300/$600)

We want to make this program as impactful and accessible as possible - so we are opening the doors NOW for early bird special pricing!

Register by *September 30th* for early access to the FB group, materials, and some bonus prep time with Coach BK and Jenniferlyn!

SIGN UP TO GET THE DEETS
https://mailchi.mp/611d3964967c/mbt2019

We are also offering a PLUS version of both programs including a fully printed and bound version of the workbook mailed to you, and a monthly PRIVATE Breathe Through to Break Through call with the coaches to check in on your specific progress.

MBT Program:
3 month Early bird $75 by September 30th / $97 until October 14th
6 Month Early Bird $145 by September 30th / 180 until October 14th

MBT Program Plus (printed workbook mailed to you and monthly 1 on 1 coaching with BK and Jenniferlyn):
3 months Early Bird by September 30th $125/ $150 until October 14th
6 Months Early Bird by September 30th $275/ $275 until October 14th

SIGN UP TO GET THE DEETS
https://mailchi.mp/611d3964967c/mbt2019

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Time to cut the crap and prioritize my goals and dreams

This summer sure has been a lot. We had a busy race schedule. D had a lot of military commitments to accomplish. The boys decided to shift from homeschooling to brick and mortar school. Some personal issues that are lingering. The experience of the Madison 70.3 drownings. My own race at Ohio 70.3. The experience of the bikers death on course during Ohio. I decided to take on healing abuse and rape from my past head on. These last couple of months had been a lot. I think I've adulted fairly well. Though admitted I did pack on 15 pounds and drank a bit too much there for a bit. Here I am. Coming out of much of that stuff. Stronger. More wise. I totally want a big fat gold star for holding my own and not stabbing anyone. ⭐️⭐️⭐️ ❤️❤️❤️I'm thankful that I signed up for Ironman Texas prior to all of that. ❤️❤️❤️ I like to use a big race to rationalize buying a new 💥Plum Papers journal💥 and working on something big. Big like Ironman. But this time around, big like being a better human being and with less of an injured soul. I've come to learn that only YOU can accomplish that. Once you are ready. We bounce from thing to thing, trying to find a comfortable place to learn our lessons. When in reality ... we just need to stop. Do it. Work. Know it will be hard. And have faith on the other side things will be ok. So the $$ I dropped down for IMTX and that darn $50 journal has been the key factor in my continuing to move forward in the path I'm on now. I usually bale and go find a different road. Missing the lesson. Coach John and D were talking the other day. And I was looking at Johns countdown numbers that he updates. DAILY. I started thinking ... wow, that's dedication. And a great tool to help him keep the eye on the prize. #gysd THEN ... I was like ... HOLY SHIT BK ... You have no idea how many days to IMTX. And I started doing math in my head. And I started with a quick summary of my paces at the moment and what I want at Tx. And I walked out of his pain cave with a new resolve. While adulting is critical. Handling your shit is important. So is prioritizing your goals and dreams. SQUIRREL MOMENT .... Someone said to me a while back ... not your monkeys not your circus, when I was looking for support for my things going on. And that really pissed me off (and I stopped going that way for support) because I didn't want to abandon my boys to handle life on their own. Or take the avenue of counseling and what not when I know there are things I can do and offer. And I didn't want to end certain relationships because of things and the non clarity of what's going on. 🐒🐿🐵🐿🥜 So I need to find the balance of taking care of some of this big stuff on my plate but I also need to make sure that I am prioritizing my goals and dreams. 💥 13:50 Ironman Texas 💥 Happiest kids on the block 💥 Brilliant marriage 💥 Guide Brave Soul and the Wolfpack to the next level So ... in conclusion ... let's wrap this up!! ✅ I need to stop sleeping to much being in a mini potty party. And I need to eat with excellence so I can help the body recover from the copious amounts of stress that has resulted in the need for more sleep. ✅ I need to hold better boundaries with those around me. Hold them to doing what they can for themselves more. ✅ Do that first thing better so my anxiety and general sense of upheaval lessens. So I can communicate more effectively. ✅ GYSD ✅ HONOR my beings need for self care and prioritize that as well. https://youtu.be/3bGAZbb1BfQ

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When dogs help to heal your soul

❤️❤️❤️ SOULS CAN HEAL HEARTS CAN HEAL EVERYTHING ❤️❤️❤️ I use to believe that I was unworthy. I use to believe I wasn’t good enough. I use to think I was broken. I use to believe that I would always have a dark space in my soul. I use to think the fighter in me was a bad part and needed to go away. Triathon. And Ironman specifically. And that damn non-existence mass start very especially. And dogs. And my D. Have taught me that EVERYTHING can heal. I’ve learned that I can heal from a near drowning as a child, spritzed up w a crappy childhood. D and these dogs and a couple other GEMS of people are helping me to heal some other parts. Freaking badassery is happening. Does it feel good. Nope. But I’m happy and doing it. My dog Julie Rogue Boxer is leading the way. D helps her a lot too. She loves the heck out of him. She was a disaster tho. When I first got her. Anger. Abused. Hurt. Broken jaw. She would attack everything. And she continues her journey w letting go of her severe dog aggression. She follows my lead anymore. Her and I are bonded. So if I keep my shit together. She does too. And visa Versa. This moment meant the world to me today. ❤️🐺👊🏻 #graceandgrit #wolfpackstrong #nevergiveup #handleyourshit #gysd #nmf #havefaithinhealing

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BEING A MOM IS A BRAVE JOB FOR WARRIORS OF LOVE

Being a mom is one of the bravest jobs. You start out pregnant (or adopting) and ... you kind of can be in denial for a bit until your belly grows and you have to start buying stuff you don't know how to put together.

You quickly learn that you really don't have a clue what you are doing. So you need to get brave real quick. Learn. Ask questions and hopefully work to get some sort of footing under you.

Giving birth is ... a challenge. It can be one of the most beautiful things but it can be the most scary as well.

You can experience losing babies, things going bad, loss, grief. And in the face of that, some try again and again. Being brave.

You might have had a great mom and childhood. Or you might have not. Not to make one worse than the other, but seriously, that book ... what to expect when you are expecting ... it's about 30% of what you really need to know. When you've come from less, being handed that infant to love, take care of, not break or otherwise .... whatever ... it's a rather large tasks that is way FREAKING OVERWHELMING.

But as a mom ... if you can get 3 moments or so of ... beauty ... it is all ok. The hours of crying melt away when you get that moment of peace with a cheek on your breast, or a naked foot peeking out from under the covers.

They grow up. You grow up. You learn. They learn. Hopefully things go well.

Some moms have to learn more and do more. They have been given the children that need more. The book gives zero help on this stuff. This is where you have to be brave brave. Especially if you don't have help or feel like what is around you isn't helping and doesn't align with you as a parent. Like when your child has learning issues or other ... specialness.

Momming is super hard.

Moms leave. Moms die. Moms aren't there. And sometimes, the child is left to learn on their own. And to become a mom of their own design. Scary stuff.

It is a hard lesson to learn that their spiritual and personal growth isn't always up to you.

Being a good mom is important to you. You are your own worst critic. As you want so much good for your babies. You want to do it "RIGHT". Making mistakes is tough ... as you wonder if it will mess up their leaves.

Sometimes it's with your mistakes that they learn from. And it is super hard to watch your children makes mistakes. It's hard to leave enough room to allow them to make mistakes.

So moms go into this thing with bravery. And the desire to do the best that they can. It is so tough to have part of your heart and soul out wandering around the world. The world that is a tough place and getting tougher.

Be brave. Do the best you can. LOVE HARD.

(people ... tell your mom they are awesome!)

BEING A MOM IS A BRAVE JOB FOR WARRIORS OF LOVE

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What Ironman Triathlon Did for my life

I was chatting with a fellow Ironman Triathlete about coaching earlier this morning and we were having a little chuckle about how your perspective changes after a season or two of ironman. You get to a place where you have a ton of mental Grit to get done (and do it well) just about anything you set your mind to. And just a ton of other wonderful things that happen. Let's looking at this awesome list. Mental Grit: There is something that happens when you push yourself past self imposed limitations, over and over, and learn that yes there are limits, but usually we stop way before those. I was really gifted with this two times, once in my first IM in Wisconsin during the swim portion. I had almost drowned as a child so getting to the point of being able to do the swim well without freaking the heck out was a ton of mental grit, through the whole season and race day. It's was one of my most beautiful life moments. The other was doing the very best that I could at IMTX in 2018, where during the run it was a full moon, I was praying, and running. Running when I didn't want to. Running when everyone else was walking. Running to chase down a time that I knew I wouldn't get, but doing the best I could anyway. Heal your soul: When you allow yourself get stripped down during ironman season ... you see things about yourself that don't serve you anymore. Things that you know need to evolve in order to get the astronomical task done. If you're brave enough to face your demons and help them to heal ... your soul heals. You evolve into that next best version of yourself. And it's so much quicker than a lot of personal growth challenges. The feedback is pretty immediate. Kinda like pixie dust if you go the chops to look at it like that. A story from my life, I almost drowned when I was little. And that was surrounded by ample amounts of childhood trauma. So the swim anxiety that I experienced during swim was of the extreme nature. Through a series of hard experiences, many failures, techniques, not giving up and a whole bunch more ... I managed to move past fake it until you make it, to healing my heart. It was such a wonderful experience to complete my first ironman swim, Wisconsin Mass Swim start, probably one of the best experiences to be had, with no anxiety. That is the first time that I really grasped that I could move past my childhood issues. That I didn't have to live a life of dealing with my crazy. Some of it I could transform into a healed cornerstone of strength. Strong Body: If you are doing the training right, your body goes through a series of evolutions where you heal through injuries. If you have the help that you need, you end up cultivating a body that is more sound and balanced. You are left with a body that is epically strong, the mind is a metric f ton stronger and you feel invincible. You might still be a little fluffy and imperfect, but that's really not the point. Confidence: You have achieved something most people wouldn't do. You've done something that you thought you couldn't. You know how to approach fear and challenges and come out on top. AND .... sometimes those things roll downhill and affect your friends, family and maybe even the little people. #thelittlesarealwayswatching Training for something very difficult can be very rewarding. It can be very hard and I have seen where people don't make it. They turn and go another direction. And thats ok. You have to be READY to take on that challenge. Not feel like you are ready. Not think that you are ready. It's a little secret that your soul shares with you, drives you forward. When you are doing something and you think to yourself ... why the heck did I think this was a good idea, but somewhere in a secret place in your heart, a voice says to keep going. That READY. If you aren't ready for the difficulties, that just means you have other work to do to get ready. And that doesn't mean that attempting an ironman isn't where you do the "get ready" part. There is nothing that says that everyone will complete their mission the first time out. In fact, on paper that is just silliness. Most people that accomplish big A things fall on their face the first time. GRACE AND GRIT: Thats what I think triathlon and ironman really gifts you with. Hopefully we all learn that we are all very capable. We are all enough. We are all FREAKING badassly awesome and we don't have anything to prove. These hard things are just to help us learn and grow. Not prove a damn thing. Doesn't matter if you are overweight and doing ironman. Or a pro athlete finishing first. We are all wonderful human beings that have a voice, have a story and need to SHINE our love and gifts out to the world. This is what I think ironman helps us learn how to do. At an Ironman. At life. As a parent. Spouse. Friend. This is why I tell my athletes .... train train train for the best damn finisher picture you can. This attitude is the sum total of this. To let your heart and soul shine when you FINISH your goal. When you ACCOMPLISH what you set out to do. You will look back and see that on the inside ... you are soo beautiful and strong. You are enough. And you're badass. ;) <3

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Growth in the Quiet Times

Here is fall!  Soon winter will be upon us.  Such a wonderful time of year.  Time of reflection on your improvements, wins, celebrations and other most excellent stuff that happened.  AND interestingly enough ... more time of change.  Under the surface. The spring and summer are times of growth.  Green leaves, flowers and new branches.  With FALL and winter ... we have a time that we move slower, conserve energy and change things up.  It does not mean that we do "less important work".  We think about investing, working on foundation pieces, changing things that we like would like to see different.  We do this so when ACTION time comes again in the spring and fall, things are a bit different than previous. Growth. Trees go through a similar process.  They lose their leaves in the fall and winter.  Doesn't make them less of a tree.  Or not as strong of a tree.  Sometimes branches break off.  Sometimes the weight of the snow helps to facilitate change.  A needed process as sometimes the branches that needed to go, maybe they are a bit weak.   In this way ... the tree isn't utilizing vital energy keeping alive a piece that isn't really helping anymore.  Helping the "big picture".  Pruning. Shedding.  It can be a painful process ... but much needed. And another thought to throw out. This branch. The one that is "weak" ... "broken" ... "no longer needed" ... could be VITAL the the survival of other pieces of the puzzle.  This branch can fall and provide a home for creatures living on the forest floor.  So the "weak" branch really isn't of less importance ... it's use has shifted to somewhere else.  The tree isn't served by struggling to keep the branch alive.  Yet sometimes the tree can't get rid of the branch itself ... Such as life ... sometimes the challenges that we have "inspire" changes (or really stronger encourage or MAKE HAPPEN).  The weak branch, once a strong branch, now having served it purpose or withstood some challenge, moves on to a different purpose.   Our challenges are like the snow, helping us to "let go" of the branch.  Hopefully in an objective, namaste kind of way. Not that the branch no longer serves us, though this is true, hopefully in a shedding process were we knowledge that what we are needing to get rid of will be used elsewhere. Energy is neither created or destroyed.  Just changes.  Thanks Newton. Thanks Thermodynamics. The process can be lonely.  The process can seem tough and overwhelming.  Seriously, it's cold and quiet.  We don't hear a lot of the birds.  We miss the green color and the fresh smell.  However this is what encourages the roots to reach deeper.  To make the tree stronger.  To shed the old, no longer needed to make room for new and different.   Getting through these times of change and growth can be rough.  New.  It's kind of easy to fall back to old thought patterns, behaviors.  It's normal to feel like you are going crazy a wee tiny bit.  It's normal to feel uncomfortable.  The thing to focus on is your faith, trust and keeping your eye on the prize.  To keep moving forward, one step at a time ... because we all know that it gets harder (hardest) at the very end.  Like with ironman, those last couple miles are brutal, but the break through at the end is completely worth it. So, are we talking about the ...

  • ATHLETE:  Do you need to drop weight. Get rid of an injury.  Get your mind right.
  • MOM:  Adjust your relationship with your kids, be less friend and mom and more boss.  Or be less busy so you can listen more and role model more of what you want to see.
  • WIFE:  let go of past stuff to provide space for new chances, new "stuff"
  • HUMAN:  let go of past stuff to make room for new.  Let go of "not good enough" so you can dream bigger.  Be less focused on yourself and "SEE" other people, be of more service, smile more, hold more doors open
  • the list goes on and on ...
 

Keep your eyes up

Hearts open  

Trust  

Have Faith

Keep moving forward

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Triathlon Life Balance Training Journal with Plum Paper

Self - Family - Life - Work - Training

Ironman (aka LIFE!!!) Training Journal ... because it's a big darn deal and you need to have your mind right!!!! PlumPaper.com really has it going on with creating a journal that is just perfect for you. Mainly because you can customize it to help you BALANCE your #trilife You can add all these different aspects of life:
 Swim / Bike / Run  Yoga / Strength / Chill  Eating / Resting  Priorities  Focus  Daily Gratitude List  Habit tracker  Focus areas  Task List It's just freaking awesome. I created a mini video to show you how. Which is just the tip of the ice berg on what you can do!!! If you want a DISCOUNT code ... message below and I can email you and save you $10. Which is about 25%. COMMENT BELOW!!!! This journal really is very useful ... even if you're not HIM or IM training. I just made one that is more ... life balancing and such. The exercise portion was minimal in my 2nd one!

BALANCE

https://youtu.be/8ejiJQ86QSg EMAIL ME if you'd like a discount code!  BraveSoulCoaching@gmail.com ORRRR!!! If you'd like to do a free athlete health assessment, lets do that and I'll email you the code along with all the recommendations. www.bonniekissinger.com/aha

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